Cruel Video Games

After helping Banjo find the rest of the jigsaw pieces in the area, he is never seen again… until ten years later in the 2008 title Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts. In the level ‘Banjoland’, which is a museum of every Banjo level from the first two games. Clanker makes an appearance here… cut up into many, many pieces and scattered throughout the level. Taking his organic-interior into account, this becomes incredibly gruesome. He’s still alive too, meaning that he has to live with this horror now. In some pre-release footage of the original Banjo-Kazooie, Clanker appears to be a fully organic shark. So what happened to him that turned him into this monstrosity? The god of this world is truly cruel to Clanker. Brain Andross from Star Fox 64 At the beginning of the Star Fox series, Dr. Andross was a simple well-intentioned and respected scientist. However, his lust for power turned him insane, and was eventually banished to the planet Venom, where he began his conquest for the entire galaxy. Andross is the final boss of Star Fox 64, and playing through a normal route has you face his monstrous creepy monkey face in some drug-induced nightmare arena.

Making it to the end of Venom has you facing Andross as normal, until you obliterate his face, revealing… this disgusting abomination. The true final fight is with Andross’ disembodied floating brain and retinas. It’s one of the most disgusting final bosses in a Nintendo game, and is incredibly unnerving seeing it move around… especially those retinas. It’s sad just how far Andross has fallen from grace, going from a respected scientist to an eldritch abomination. And if that wasn’t enough, they managed to make him look even more grotesque in the 3DS remake, Star Fox 64 3D. Luckily, Brain Andross is absent from the second remake, Star Fox Zero, instead being replaced by a metallic robot Andross. Although it feels a bit wrong to not have him around anymore, but perhaps it’s for the best that we didn’t see him in HD. The Killer Piano in Super Mario 64 Sometimes our assumptions can get the best of us. For example, assuming that there won’t be anything horrifying in a series as playful and wholesome as Super Mario. We were all guilty of this before playing Super Mario 64. Never again now.

When entering the level “Big Boo’s Haunt”, the atmosphere feels .. incredibly uneasy, one that feels almost out of place in a Mario game. But whatever, it’s probably just the standard Mario ghosts, like Boos and Dry Bones, right? Well… Meet the Killer Piano, infamous for making a generation of kids shit their pants collectively. This seemingly normal piano becomes a musical greeting card from hell the second you get too close to it. Horrible jagged teeth protrude from it as it stomps towards you, while making sounds that sound like someone is smashing all of its keys at once. It’s impossible to kill this piano as well, despite the official Nintendo Power Player’s Guide stating that it was possible. That was a lie. Maybe it was a typo, or maybe it was meant to instill false security.

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